You can respect someone and still struggle with the relationship.
I was recently attacked by someone who isn’t even a follower of mine after I shared a post about mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships. According to her, I was calling my mother-in-law a narcissist, publicly telling the world we didn’t get on and lying in all the positive posts I’d shared about her over the years. The only problem was that I hadn’t mentioned my mother-in-law at all.
The post was a general one and was intended to lead into a podcast episode we’ll be releasing soon because so many women have written to us sharing their own experiences of family relationships. What surprised me wasn’t the criticism itself but how quickly people assume that discussing a relationship dynamic means you’re talking about a specific person.
It also reminded me that respect and closeness are not the same thing and this is the relationship I share with my mother-in-law. You can respect someone because of the role they play in your life, because they raised the person you love, and because they deserve kindness and courtesy, whilst still finding the relationship difficult to navigate. The difficulty isn’t usually a lack of respect. More often it’s trying to build a genuine relationship whilst feeling judged, compared or expected to fit a mould that was created long before you arrived.
I have lived with my mother-in-law for over 37 years, much longer than I spent with my own mum – and in that time I have realised that she doesn’t want a close relationship with me and I in turn now also feel the same – even though it took a long time to get to that realisation. But we are here now and it works for both of us that even though we live in the same house – she gets fed, watered and clean laundry – and we are polite and civil with each other. She never wanted another daughter, and it took me a long time to understand this. But now I do, life is a lot easier for the both of us and the pressure is no longer on me to try and be something I will never be for her.
Relationships don’t become close because of a title. They become close through trust, understanding, acceptance and mutual respect, and whilst some mothers-in-law become second mothers and lifelong friends, other relationships remain respectful without ever becoming particularly close. Neither situation makes anyone a bad person.
Family relationships are complicated, and talking about them shouldn’t be controversial because acknowledging that some relationships are easier than others isn’t an attack on anyone. It’s simply recognising that respect and closeness are not always the same thing. One of the biggest misunderstandings in family relationships is the idea that a mother-in-law must become another mother and a daughter-in-law must become another daughter.
The truth is, most daughters-in-law already have a mum, and most mothers-in-law don’t need another child. Yet from the moment a woman gets married, there can be an unspoken expectation that she should seamlessly step into a new role, love everyone equally, think exactly like her husband’s family and somehow build the same bond with her mother-in-law that took decades to build with her own mother.
Relationships simply don’t work like that.
A daughter-in-law is not there to replace anyone, nor is she a live-in maid who exists to serve the household. She is a woman who has joined a family through marriage, bringing with her her own personality, traditions, upbringing and relationships. Equally, a mother-in-law should not feel that she has been replaced or pushed aside because her son has married. A wife and a mother occupy completely different places in a man’s life, and there should never be a competition between the two.
The problems often begin when expectations take over. One person expects instant closeness, while the other feels pressured. One expects unquestioning loyalty, while the other is trying to find her feet. One feels she is losing a son, while the other feels she is constantly being measured against impossible standards. Before long, what could have been a warm relationship becomes a tug of war that neither woman actually wanted.
What many mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law need is not a mother-daughter relationship at all. They need respect, understanding, kindness and healthy boundaries. They need the freedom to build a relationship that works for them rather than trying to recreate something that already exists elsewhere.
Not every daughter-in-law wants another mum, and that doesn’t mean she is disrespectful. Not every mother-in-law wants another daughter, and that doesn’t mean she is cold or unwelcoming. Sometimes the most successful relationships are the ones where both women accept this and focus on becoming friends rather than forcing family titles to carry expectations they were never meant to carry.
There is no prize for being the favourite woman in a man’s life, because love is not a limited resource. A son can love his mother deeply and still be devoted to his wife, and a husband can put his marriage first without loving his mother any less.
When we stop seeing each other as rivals, replacements or obligations, there is room for something far more valuable to grow. Not a second mother, nor a substitute daughter, but two women connected by family, treating each other with respect and building a relationship that feels natural rather than forced.
𝓑𝓮𝓮 ❤️ x