Not another mother, not another daughter.
You can respect someone and still struggle with the relationship. I was recently attacked by someone who isn’t even a follower of mine after I shared a post about mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships. According to her, I was calling my mother-in-law a narcissist, publicly telling the world we didn’t get on and lying in all the positive posts I’d shared about her over the years. The only problem was that I hadn’t mentioned my mother-in-law at all. The post was a general one and was intended to lead into a podcast episode we’ll be releasing soon because so many women have written to us sharing their own experiences of family relationships. What surprised me wasn’t the criticism itself but how quickly people assume that discussing a relationship dynamic means you’re talking about a specific person. It also reminded me that respect and closeness are not the same thing and this is the relationship I share with my mother-in-law. You can respect someone because of the role they play in your life, because they raised the person you love, and because they deserve kindness and courtesy, whilst still finding the relationship difficult to navigate. The difficulty isn’t usually a lack of respect. More often it’s trying to build a genuine relationship whilst feeling judged, compared or expected to fit a mould that was created long before you arrived. I have lived with my mother-in-law for over 37 years, much longer than I spent with my own mum – and in that time I have realised that she doesn’t want a close relationship with me and I in turn now also feel the same – even though it took a long time to get to that realisation. But we are here now and it works for both of us that even though we live in the same house – she gets fed, watered and clean laundry – and we are polite and civil with each other. She never wanted another daughter, and it took me a long time to understand this. But now I do, life is a lot easier for the both of us and the pressure is no longer on me to try and be something I will never be for her. Relationships don’t become close because of a title. They become close through trust, understanding, acceptance and mutual respect, and whilst some mothers-in-law become second mothers and lifelong friends, other relationships remain respectful without ever becoming particularly close. Neither situation makes anyone a bad person. Family relationships are complicated, and talking about them shouldn’t be controversial because acknowledging that some relationships are easier than others isn’t an attack on anyone. It’s simply recognising that respect and closeness are not always the same thing. One of the biggest misunderstandings in family relationships is the idea that a mother-in-law must become another mother and a daughter-in-law must become another daughter. The truth is, most daughters-in-law already have a mum, and most mothers-in-law don’t need another child. Yet from the moment a woman gets married, there can be an unspoken expectation that she should seamlessly step into a new role, love everyone equally, think exactly like her husband’s family and somehow build the same bond with her mother-in-law that took decades to build with her own mother. Relationships simply don’t work like that. A daughter-in-law is not there to replace anyone, nor is she a live-in maid who exists to serve the household. She is a woman who has joined a family through marriage, bringing with her her own personality, traditions, upbringing and relationships. Equally, a mother-in-law should not feel that she has been replaced or pushed aside because her son has married. A wife and a mother occupy completely different places in a man’s life, and there should never be a competition between the two. The problems often begin when expectations take over. One person expects instant closeness, while the other feels pressured. One expects unquestioning loyalty, while the other is trying to find her feet. One feels she is losing a son, while the other feels she is constantly being measured against impossible standards. Before long, what could have been a warm relationship becomes a tug of war that neither woman actually wanted. What many mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law need is not a mother-daughter relationship at all. They need respect, understanding, kindness and healthy boundaries. They need the freedom to build a relationship that works for them rather than trying to recreate something that already exists elsewhere. Not every daughter-in-law wants another mum, and that doesn’t mean she is disrespectful. Not every mother-in-law wants another daughter, and that doesn’t mean she is cold or unwelcoming. Sometimes the most successful relationships are the ones where both women accept this and focus on becoming friends rather than forcing family titles to carry expectations they were never meant to carry. There is no prize for being the favourite woman in a man’s life, because love is not a limited resource. A son can love his mother deeply and still be devoted to his wife, and a husband can put his marriage first without loving his mother any less. When we stop seeing each other as rivals, replacements or obligations, there is room for something far more valuable to grow. Not a second mother, nor a substitute daughter, but two women connected by family, treating each other with respect and building a relationship that feels natural rather than forced. 𝓑𝓮𝓮 ❤️ x
Nazar – The curse we blame for everything
‘Nazar Lag Gayi!’ Is it real? Is it lucky? Is it complete nonsense? I’ve lost count of how many times I heard the words, ‘Nazar lag gayi’, growing up. If a child fell over, it was nazar, if someone suddenly became poorly, it was nazar, if the car broke down the week after you bought it, it was definitely nazar. The whole concept of the evil eye has fascinated me for years. According to Google, the belief essentially revolves around the human aura, an energy field surrounding each person that can be affected by the thoughts, envy or negativity of others. Now, whether you believe in auras or not, one thing does make sense to me. We’ve all walked into a room and instantly felt uncomfortable without anyone saying a word. We’ve all met people whose negativity seems to fill a space before they’ve even opened their mouths. So perhaps there is something to be said for the energy people carry. Growing up in a Punjabi family, nazar wasn’t just something people talked about – it was something they actively fought against. My Mum and Dad were constantly trying to remove the evil eye from me and my siblings. ‘Nazar utarni’, as it was known, was almost a weekly occurrence in our house. Dad would never allow my sister and I to leave the house together. He was convinced we attracted nazar too easily and would insist that one of us left a minute before the other. Little did he know that whoever left first simply waited at the corner of the road until the other caught up. The funny thing is that my Dad was probably the least superstitious person I knew. He believed in hard work, common sense and taking responsibility for your own life. Yet this was the one belief he never seemed willing to let go of. Mum had her own methods, most evenings, when we came home from school, she would be waiting with five dried red chillies. She would move them around our heads several times before throwing them onto an open flame. I n our case, the flame was usually the gas hob in the kitchen. If she happened to be out of chillies, she would light a stick of incense and slowly move it in circles around our heads instead. Looking back now, my family sounds completely bonkers. And then I got married, and discovered my mother-in-law was exactly the same. The moment one of my children bumped their head, became unsettled or developed a temperature, out would come the rituals to remove nazar. Fast forward thirty-seven years and here I am doing exactly the same thing. Every time one of my grandchildren falls over, gets a scrape or something unfortunate happens, there I am with – ‘Hai, nazar lag gayi!’ Meanwhile, my children stand there rolling their eyes while trying to comfort the screaming child. ‘For God’s sake, Mother!’, they mutter. Yet somehow I carry on regardless… Punjabis have all sorts of ways of protecting against nazar. Some tie black threads around a baby’s wrist or ankle. Others place a black dot behind a child’s ear. You’ll find blue nazar battu’s hanging from rear-view mirrors, front doors, prams and even expensive new kitchens. Others In our family, a small handful of ajwain and salt would be placed together in the palm of the hand and moved around the person’s head several times, usually seven, while prayers or blessings were quietly spoken. The mixture would then be thrown onto a flame or discarded outside the home, taking the nazar with it. Whether it actually removed anything is anyone’s guess, but generations of Punjabi mothers, grandmothers and aunties swore by it. Many people will say ‘Waheguru mehr kare’ after complimenting a child, almost as a way of balancing the praise. Others still swear by red chillies, salt, mustard seeds or incense. The funny thing is that many of the same people who claim not to believe in superstition still hang a nazar battu somewhere in their home. Just in case….perhaps that’s because nazar isn’t really about magic at all. Maybe it’s simply our way of acknowledging that jealousy exists, that not everyone wishes us well, and that negative energy can sometimes affect us more than we’d like to admit. Or perhaps it’s just another one of those wonderful Punjabi traditions that has travelled from villages in Punjab to Southall, Birmingham, Derby, Vancouver and beyond. As for me, I’m still not entirely sure. What I do know is that three generations of my family have believed in it, and despite all my logic and common sense, I still find myself removing nazar from my grandchildren whenever they have a tumble…old habits die hard. So tell me, do you believe in nazar? Have you had experiences that made you think there might be something in it? Or do you think it’s simply a tradition passed down through generations? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Bee x
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Achari Tinde ~ aka as Apple Gourd
Tinde aka Apple Gourd, a seasonal vegetable, available in grocery stores June to September. When purchasing pick the ones that you can squeeze between your thumb and forefinger. Recipe – Feeds 4 6 x apple gourd peeled and cut into wedges, remove any hard seeds 1 tablespoon mustard oil 1 tablespoon ghee 1 teaspoon cumin seeds 1 teaspoon crushed coriander seeds 2 small or 1 large sliced onion Heaped tbsp of garlic paste Heaped tbsp of ginger paste 1 tsp turmeric 200g plum tomatoes – pureed or a tablespoon of tomato puree Green chillies to your taste – chopped finely or sliced 1 tsp Achari masala – optional 1 tsp Kashuri Methi 1 tsp salt 1 large potato cut into small pieces – optional Handful chopped coriander leaves Water as required if you prefer a runnier sauce – optional Method 1. Warm the oil/ghee in a heavy based pan and add the cumin & coriander 2. Once they have released their aromas add the sliced onions 3. Fry until slightly golden in colour then add the garlic/ginger paste 4. Wait until you can smell the aroma of the garlic then add the turmeric to the pan 5. Saute for a couple of minutes until the raw smell cooks off, then add the tomato puree/paste 6. Cook for a few minutes on a medium heat then add the remainder spices and salt 7. Allow this to cook until the oil separates from the mixture and creates little wells 8. Add the potato if using, and a splash of water to loosen the ingredients in the pan and cover and cook for 7-8 minutes on a low heat 9. Now add the apple gourd and stir well, cover and cook until cooked through. They should not be mushy but also shouldn’t be hard 10. Sprinkle on the chopped coriander and stir through 11. Serve with roti, naan or rice You can find me on all social media channels under The Authentic Punjabee. Facebook / Instagram / Tiktok / Youtube